In Fear or In Love?

The sun salutes the mountains with its golden rays this morning.  These are the last breaths of warmth before the snow comes to stay.  I will return home from London to the winter.  The minuscule heat of the day is fragile, like a man that is dying and spends his last days reminiscing on the summer of his life.  The fall time in Park City lasts weeks at most.  These between seasons seem to be gone before they came.  One day the air conditioner is on, the next, your heater is on and the ground is covered in frost.

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The town is transforming itself in preparation for the grand opening of all of the ski resorts this month.  The immense numbers of foreign youth hired from other countries to teach skiing and work the various ski resort jobs have all come for the season.  Being mostly from Australia and Brazil, they have friendly, loud and excited demeanors and as such, they breathe the first breath of life into the town before all of the even more excited tourists arrive.  The US teams of every different winter sport discipline can be seen jogging on the roads, gearing up for the up coming competition season.  I miss the feeling of being on a sports team, the feeling of being a part of something bigger than myself and of belonging.  It is fun to represent excellence everywhere you go.  The ego loves it and that isn’t a bad thing, especially when you’ve spent the majority of your life soaking in a climate of steady self-hate.

Winter (my son) has come down with a stomach virus.  Since I cannot afford to get sick and miss the London workshop, I have taken to wearing a face mask around the house.  Given the past month’s events my vibration is not high enough to trust that I am immune.  I find it is impossibly hard to focus positively when your child is sick.  It’s acute torture to watch your child suffer, much worse than suffering yourself.  I made a large pot of kale, quinoa vegetable soup for when he’s ready to eat.  Beyond that I feel fairly powerless to help him feel better.  It’s difficult to decide if energy work is the best idea when it comes to nursing a child through a stomach related illness.  It speeds recovery and enhances the body’s self-cleansing process, which isn’t usually pleasant.  With a stomach illness, energy work is notorious for increasing symptoms and causing the body to vomit violently and repeatedly.  This means, it’s difficult to decide if the benefit of the increased rate of healing is worth the side effect of throwing up more often and more violently.

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It’s not helping my vibration either that the situation between my biological family and I seems to get more painful every day.  It’s like we are all waking up to a nightmare that has always been in the room with us, but that no one wanted to own up to.  But we are not talking to each other, so we are waking up to it alone and isolated from each other.  It is a perfect vibrational match to the estrangement that has been the underlying shadow between us the whole time.

I’ve started packing for London early.  The more organized members of this community are feeling more relaxed and proud of me because of it.  I never pack early.  I’m a last minute packer and I’m not neat about it either.  I don’t see the point of folding clothes.  It just seems like a waste of time when I’m going to mess them up the second I get to my destination.  My French bulldog, Caput was staring at me while I rifled around in my closet and chest of drawers with a look of dejection on his face.  He hates when I go on trips without him.  He has a sixth sense for when there is an impending separation between us.  I have a difficult time sleeping now without the background noise of his snoring and the feeling of his warmth and his fur against me.  I love French bulldogs.  They are one of the best breeds of dogs on this earth.  I wanted one so badly when I got Caput 6 years ago, that I drove all the way to Kansas to get him.  Best decision ever!

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On anther note, I have decided that I will not close myself off to love.  I will not shut the doors to feeling vulnerable again.  I am as vulnerable as I can get right now.  And yet, I am not broken.  That is proof enough that I have what it takes to remain open.  To love is to allow someone to reach your center, your core.  And that is a frightening proposition because in truth, you have no idea what they are going to do to you.  Until you are willing to risk this kind of deep and complete exposure, the other person is just an acquaintance to you and you are just an acquaintance to them.  There are husbands and wives who have never been more than acquaintances.  There are people who have been having sex for years, but whom never know what making love feels like, because they are just acquaintances.  They have never had the courage to let each other into the center of each other’s being.  Making love is not the meeting of two bodies.  It is the meeting of two hearts.  When lovers are afraid of one another (which is almost always the case), they do not know love.  They only know the shell of love.  The longer I live, the more convinced I become that there are two ways to live… either in fear, or in love.  The person, who lives in fear, lives with walls between themselves and the world.  The person, who lives in love, lets the world (like a lover), penetrate them to their core.  It is a fearless state of being.  And to develop fearlessness, takes practice.

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Most of us, myself included, live a life of fear instead of love.  He who lives a life of fear is always planning for the future.  He or she spends their life trying to arrange their future so that it will feel good when they get there.  But they never get there because the future by definition can never be reached.  If it is reached, it becomes the now.  And so the now-ness of their life is lost.  He, who lives a life of love, lives here and now.  He or she spends their life unafraid of results and consequences.  The threat of annihilation, to them is irrelevant.  But we could not know love without fear, just as we would not know white without the contrast of black.  It is the contrast that lets us know what love really is.  Many people think that the opposite of love is hate.  It isn’t.  The opposite of love, is fear.  By knowing fear, you have the opportunity to know love.  Take that opportunity to know love whenever it presents itself.  Open yourself and let this world penetrate you to your core.  Let it do its worst.  Because the worst it can do, does not compare to the pain of staying closed and building walls between you.

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31 Comments

  • another great blog.
    On the money as the expression says
    London awaits, and it is interesting like a true professional you prepare yourself, not allowing yourself to get sick, so you take precautions.
    Well done for loving you and staying strong where as the easy option is to slide into a negative state. Well done you.

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    • On the family thing.. be sure most families are dysfunctional like most people are, it is just a question of intensities.

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  • So wonderful Teal. It has been warm here today, 21 degrees, and sunny for the quite short daylight hours. I hope it is as nice when you are here. So looking forward to meeting you xxx

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  • Thank you for the subtle reminders. The fact that majority of us on this planet live in a fear based reality is significant in the vibrations added to the ethers. Blessings.

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  • I relate completely with this… I still know I need to live a life of wall-less love with a mate… I just do…

    I also know what a sick (I have a terminal child with a severe form of Muscular Dystrophy and his mother and I divorced 6 years ago) and until a person lives the experience of watching your young man slowly wither over years and become wheelchair bound and knowing I will have to dig his grave and cannot stop it….. I understand how it is difficult to focus…with a sick child.. challenging to stay on course.. to work… to let myself stay as wall-less as possible… and let myself love and chase and pursue happiness in the moment and struggle to NOT concern myself for the future…. to know I still have to pursue happiness and joy.. and give the gifts of my being to the world… and I sometimes struggle as I do all I can to gift the woman in my life the best version of me… because I am not always at my best…

    Blessings Teal and I am resonating with your writings.

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  • Cassandra Evangelista

    I understand how you feel about the family situation. In all honesty, I have just barely reconnected with my aunt and uncle. There is much tension between everyone in our family, and this has been going on for years. This seems to be a theme that many families face. Growing up, I always longed for everyone to get along in a Utopia. But, utopia is still in the works, even in society. The perfect world has always been imagined, but we all still need to work on ourselves and be more open to love. Fear is what is keeping my family from reconnecting, just as fear is debilitating and preventing so many souls from feeling free and reaching their full potential. One of my friends just recently got hired at Pixar, because he is a fairly talented artist. Most people always told him to get a “real job.” Now, he is proving them all wrong. The thing is, is that he is still unhappy though. He was posting on his social media (Facebook) about how he is overwhelmed with life, and I was able to inspire him and comfort him. This is because i’ve been learning from yourself, Teal, and taking all of the life lessons and new age messages you offer to heart. I told my friend that he needs to envision that he can handle life and all it has to offer, because once he does that, then his reality is already created. Surprisingly, he told me that i’ve changed so much, and I told him we are all continuously changing. That is because the world cannot stay the same.

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  • I fell in love today…… with the pitbull puppy on Shellie Updown’s video share……. then I watched a Seal warm up to a woman on the Shores of Georgia (Rawforbeauty video)….. and knew again the open vulnerability of risking unconditional trust and open hearted love…

    I think the most difficult open hearted loving is a 1:1 relationship…… as we have so few models of excellence on the planet…. Perhaps you can accomplish the transition and you a loving partner model open hearted 1:1 intimacy and love for all the world to learn from…… Even though you are off to a rocky start…. you have learned from each, and the desire to experience the ideal is keen. Go for it Girl !!

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  • Yes I am fear to love you right but I know what love is so that’s the reason I’m fear love

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  • Just what I needed to read. Your words are beyond beautiful, and I am sad that I’ve never had the chance to meet a person like you. Thank you

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  • Reading your posts raises me up to another level. I’m thankful for your words.

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  • Teal for your son try Colloidal Silver its amazing. And from Natural Factors, Anit -Viral, really good stuff strengthens immune system.

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  • simply beautiful

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  • Teal, I have been subscribed to your you tube videos and just came across your blog. How wonderful and real this is! Thanks for sharing your human side and I look forward to the upcoming blogs. Seeing only one side of you in your videos is one thing, but this is like finding a treasure! Thanks for sharing your thoughts…really.
    Sally

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  • Question:
    Is it possible to carry out the law of attraction (to achieve the good things we want in life) when we live in fear mode or do we have to clean the fear deeply rooted in our being able to be able to attract what we want using the method of Law attraction? Who can achieve their dreams are usually people who have their emotional problems solved or have a huge self-esteem and had rarely suffered disappointments in life, right?
    Thank you Teal

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  • I had a stomach virus a month ago (and not just stomach:)), it was quite intense, but when I stopped eating for 2 days, the virus stopped. I’m dealing with the consequenses till now but it’s getting better. So good luck :)
    Today I was kind of sorry I’m not gonna be able to make it to London but fears are fears. Maybe next time. :-)

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  • Beautiful text, it inspires me and I can definitely identify with you. I think I live a live of fear too BUT awareness is the key ;)
    I hope your son gets well soon! And I hope you feel much better. :D

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  • I am very sad and sorry I won’t be able to attend the workshop in London. I hope you will plane another workshop in Europe soon…..!!

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  • Great post, Teal. I agree completely. I’ve had my heart broken more times than I should it seems, but I won’t let it stop me from opening my heart to another, because that’s really what life is about. Otherwise, what’s the point of being here? Enjoy your trip to London. Stay strong, stay healthy, stay in love. Oh and greetings from Bali, Indonesia! It’s beautiful. I’m sure you would love it, except it’s a little different from the Rocky Mountains in winter. No skiing. :) Take care and have fun…..

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  • Thanks Teal. The synchronicity of this blog (and most others) is amazing. The walls around my heart have been up for a long time. I’ve been doing much healing and I feel like the walls are starting to crumble around my heart and I am a step closer to being vulnerable and letting love in. I’ve known for a long time the “real” me has yet to come forth completely as the walls of fear have kept me hidden behind them.The light in me is bursting forth coming oh so close to bursting the damn that are the walls of fear around my heart. I’m getting there, sister! Let’s do this!

    Much love to you, sweet Teal.

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  • You’re learning so fast my friend. There are but two emotions Love and fear, but something like love is all encompassing ─ in reality it has no opposite.

    “We have said that you have but two emotions, love and fear. One is changeless but continually exchanged, being offered BY the eternal TO the eternal. In this exchange it is extended, for it INCREASES as it is given. The other has many forms, for the content of INDIVIDUAL delusions differs greatly. But they have one thing in common; they are all insane.” ─ A Course in Miracles (October 10, 1966)

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  • About sex, sexuality and penetration term you used. Great articles, I have been writing these themes in public section of my facebook profile. I have been deeply involved with Divine FemiNINE and teachings that I feel Mother Goddess of All that IS has been teaching me. http://dionnesexpression.wordpress.com/2013/01/19/sexual-musings-mature-content | http://jamiecatto.wordpress.com/2013/01/11/the-vulnerability-of-penetration More about relationships and other interesting Synchromystic Source Perspective work of mine can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/saul.vonbell.3 where I have combined many forms of communicational tools including: text, video, imagery etc.

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  • Living in “fear” or living “in love” is a minute to minute tightrope walk for most of us. There is the fear of falling and getting hurt or there is the exhilaration of going for it for the sheer fun of it. If you are having fun then you know you are living in a a state of love. So, throw caution to the wind and have fun ! Best Wishes, Dave

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    • Yes yes yes to this. A moment to moment decision to choose love above fear. Anyway, what is a broken heart? A reminder to wake up to more choices.

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  • Gorgeous post, Teal. Love to Winter, to you, to Caput :) , and to all of us practicing letting the world penetrate us to our core.
    xo

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  • Hi Teal, Saying goodbye to family is a process of waking up to the fact that they are different and that your feeling of self worth should not depend on them, or anyone else. I still doubt there is anything called ‘falling in love.’ We are lucky to find kindred spirit who resonate with us naturally. For me, at least, that is the bonding process which we can feed or starve with consciousness. Exclusive relationships are intrinsically unstable but they are the cutting edge of our growth in awareness. If I ever meet you, I hope to share this kindredness in things like hugs,laughter and singing etc. I look forward to your reports on London.

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  • arturo villarreal

    Teal I love your attitude towards love, that’s it… that’s the way it is (you are a spiritual warrior to me), I am sure the right person for you is around,( I am glad that you didn’t fall into some women’s thing that “all men are the same”" and hey! if you have kissed a few frogs, that’s normal we all do or did!! And about your family, DO NOT give any more importance to something you can’t change because is not even in your hands to change how they feel about you or anything else !
    Don’t take it personal, at least 85 percent of the families are dysfunctional, (some of them just pretend are functional but they aren’t like mine)

    And remember happy people attract happy people!!
    Victims or Sad and Melancholic people only attract the same kind of people.

    The question is…….what do you want to attract??

    Have a beautiful trip to London

    Arturo

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  • arturo villarreal

    And your little dog… Just beautiful !! ( my dog’s name is “”Tachito”" a little Maltese, and for me is like my son, I adore him)

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  • I’m totally agree with you Teal. Thanks for all those wonderful words!!! I got divorce recently and I decided to open my heart again and I fell in love with my best friend. We live in different countries and even when he says that he loves me and that we have a great connection between us, everytime I try to talk about living together, he says we are not going to work. I think that he has so much fear inside (especially about sex) and I really don’t know what to do… I don’t want to hurt him but it’s hard to deal with this situation when he is so closed to me. I would appreciate your advice about it. Best wishes on your trip!!!

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  • Give Caput a belly rub for me. I was visiting my sister at a rehab facility this weekend and was missing my dogs in a bad way. Have a wonderful trip to London – look forward to hearing about it. You’ll be missing the animals but they’ll be missing you too! Best Wishes, Dave

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  • Teal- this was so good to read right now. I am at the precipice of entering deeply (yet slowly, interestingly) into a new relationship and feel all of my usual alarms going off- all the shields and fears rearing their heads as they do… I wake up with anxiety wondering if he feels the same way. Even though he has assured me that he does, I drive myself wild trying to feel if he feels the same depth that I do, to make sure his investments are equal to mine. It’s not a way to live or love for that matter. I love that you write:

    Open yourself and let this world penetrate you to your core. Let it do its worst. Because the worst it can do, does not compare to the pain of staying closed and building walls between you.

    This is so clear and in it’s clarity it becomes easy to apply. Thank you. I am going to open to this relationship. I will reach out before he reaches out sometimes. I don’t need to wait for his approval of me before I ask or take what I want from him. I can act on my own desires. It’s actually empowering. I thought I was shielding myself from being rejected, yet in fact I was only suppressing my true desires. Hmmm.
    Thanks again, Teal. You are so helpful to me and many others.

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  • When I have had stomach viruses, I find that sipping very strong, plain black tea is very good at calming vomiting. If your little one doesn’t mind the bitter taste, it might help him.

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