Dependent or Independent?

I spent time out of body last night again.  I was inquiring with a convention of beings about relationships and dependency.  I could not believe what I found out.  Essentially, the highlight of the whole talk was that codependency is a myth.  That dependency is a basic fact of our existence.  People are only as needy as their un-met needs.  Let’s call our needs, our deepest most essential desires.  Anyway, they were saying that we have been brain washed in the modern world to believe that happiness should only come from within and that it should never be dependent on anything.  That it is solely our responsibility and that it should not be disturbed by anything anyone on the outside of us does.  Essentially, we have glorified the idea of individualism and independence.  To be dependent on anything outside you, is shameful, weak and means that something is wrong with you.  These beings last night were saying in more politically correct terms that this is complete crap.  They are ideas that are born from pain.  Not ideas that are the byproduct of alignment.  They were ideas born by those of us, who could not get our needs met by our parents and then could not get our needs met by other people and so, we were forced to embrace and glorify the idea of isolation and self-sufficiency.  This is why these teachings, beyond the empowerment of knowing we have a hand in our fate and happiness, feel somehow “off” and “painfully lonely”.  We are fundamentally dependent in a universe where the basic truth is the interdependent nature of oneness.  In fact, the only time the idea of self sufficiency and personal responsibility serves a person is when it allows them to feel empowered and as if they can add to their own happiness without being “a selfish and therefore bad person”.  They were explaining that only control we ever have over our own happiness is our ability to orient our focus to something that feels better or do something that helps us to feel better.  Every other form of happiness we experience is dependent in nature.  And there is no arbitrary point during a person’s life after which point a person is no longer a dependent child, unable to meet their own needs, and thus now is capable of being entirely independent.

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Universally, the human decision that has caused the most long-term damage and contrast in the human race is the idea of infant self-soothing.  It has been highly popularized in the 1920s all the way to today.  In fact, from universal perspective, it caused far more damage than Hitler, Pol Pot and Stalin combined.  There was a belief that people needed to learn to self-sooth early in order to become independent, high functioning adults.  It was believed that meeting a child’s every need, led to dependent, anxious, insecure, emotionally unhealthy and mal adjusted adults.  So, professionals advised that parents leave their children to cry and learn to sooth themselves to sleep or comfort themselves when upset or hurt and to set a strict schedule for their eating (on the parents terms).  What happened?  We created a nightmare.  It turned out to be the opposite.  We bred a world full of mal-adapted people with personality and attachment disorders.  We created a world full of people whose basic sense of human trust and connection was obliterated.  And our relationships with everyone else in the world reflect our relationship with the first people we come into contact with upon entering this world… our parents.

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Attachment theory (which isn’t a theory, it’s reality) is a psychological theory, which puts forward the idea that attachment needs do not disappear in childhood.  That adults need the same connection and attachment with loved ones as children do, and that our biology is set up because of evolution to drive us to attach to other people.  And that attachment is beneficial to the human organism, not detrimental, as so many self-help experts would have you believe.  There is a biological reason that you feel like you’re going to die if you’re separated from those you are attached to… because your ancestors did die if they were separated from the people the were attached to.  This means, even if you weren’t traumatized in this life, security is linked to becoming attached to loved ones.  It is a basic human need.  Maybe, this incredible draw to attach ourselves to others, is a reflection of the inherent truth of oneness in this universe, which sneaks it’s way through the illusion of separateness which is the hallmark of this dimension.

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Attachment theory puts forward that there are three styles of attachment in the human race, Secure, Anxious and Avoidant.  It’s quite fascinating to study actually.  I adhere to the anxious style of attachment.  I suggest looking into it.  So far, I think the best book on the subject is called “Attached” by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.  Anyway, after having gone out of body to discuss these thing that I discussed last night, I’ve decided that there will be a great many teachings I will unveil to the world that fly in the fact of our world’s worship of independent, self sufficiency.  I need to think on them more and make them solid within myself.  But I can promise you; there are some interesting things to come, which will be originating from my general direction in the future.  Again, I could not be more excited if I tried.

It is 12:33 and I have not yet eaten breakfast.  This is a common occurrence (despite my own advice to others) when I get in the flow of my creative projects.  Leaving to London in six days, means that I have to complete three Ask Teal videos between now and then.  I have my work cut out for me.

74 Comments

  • Excellent, so looking forward to meeting you and seeing you speak in person xxxx

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  • Teal… Congratulations… you have ask and it was given…. UNITY is truth… We are one… and in density.. we are dependent totally… I have yet to accomplish the next step… and the blending of souls in loving union and a shared life relationship… working on creating it through ease grace attention and love… BLESSINGS and again… you help many… with your open and visible journey… such a gift… Thank you. Dave

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  • <3 you Teal :)

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  • This leads to the million dollar question; how the hell do we get others to
    fulfill our needs then?

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    • The ole “saw” …… As ye sow, so shall ye reap……. translated ….. when you love others, they love you back…. but, in case they take advantage of you instead …… remember to love yourself to start with and “leave” if you have to and make another choice about who to love…… How about….. Love with your eyes as you interact with others….. Love yourself enough to lower your eyes when encountering testosterone poisoned men however….. e.g. love yourself and take care of your self first and the the over flow goes to all around you….. it works…..

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      • Hi MICKAIL
        Loving yourself is a division of self. Loving the apparent world out there is loving the Self. Avoiding bad people is a practical time/space necessity while one is evolving to Oneness. In Oneness (which I have not experienced yet) I assume that ‘bad’ people are actually a necessary part of the whole picture and are loved for that role they are in. The dark makes light perceivable.

        HELLO TEAL I enjoy putting myself in your shoes and attempting to apply what you and other ascending souls advise.

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    • I believe we attract vibrational matches that then reflect our shadows which, if we work through and appreciate the shadows as Teal has been teaching, will fulfill us. Maybe not always necessarily in the all encompassing loving way that we all dream of, but for the sake of growth, which is a form of universal love. After that you are either still a vibrational match or not. Going your separate ways or not based on whether you grew together or apart. Having someone who will grow with you is the key. Desire to attract a relationship that will allow you and the other person to grow together is what comes to me.

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  • I’m so excited to hear more! This information is so relieving.

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  • Oh my God Teal! THANK YOU for this post! I have always struggled with the whole ‘happiness can ONLY come from within’ concept. It just does’t resonate with me. I so needed to see this today!! It’s like you have given me ‘permission’ to need people.. to be MYSELF.
    I seriously love the guts right out of you :) Thanks lady.

    SJ

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  • this makes a lot of sense to me considering cooperation is key to survival. A person can live their life without interaction, out in the wild in pure survival mode, but we are social beings by design. Without social interaction we are seriously depriving ourselves of a fundamental and primal need for CONNECTION. So for me, the question is: How do i balance my fixed air Aquarius nature (which is inherently independent) with cooperation with others. and i know i’m in alignment with your quizzing source and this blog cuz i’ve been struggling with depending on a job to survive. I’m so in sync with this it’s dizzying. This just makes so so much sense to me on a multitude of levels. GREAT JOB SISTER!!! keep it up. you’re doing great :D

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    • connection is everything… relationship is something else… and it is useful to be UNBALANCED before you take a leap… and regain your balance when you land…. More truth revealed through a very honest bright being that is Teal.. :-)

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  • Maria…. who do you really think is meeting them now?.. and if they are not being met now… are you coping?… and if you are coping…. can you stop?.. FEEL YOUR DEEPEST NEEDS… and seek to change YOUR LIFE to get them met… IF NOT… ask.. WHY? PHOENIXING our lives is a painful thing… yet sometimes needed in our transformation.. if there is no other way to heal…

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  • Hi Teal

    I read every week and never comment despite the fact that you and I are going through the same process with the same tools. My attachment style is anxious ambivalence. It has been the source of so much pain in my life. On the other hand, I have recreated FLAWLESSLY the traumas I experienced in my loss of relationship with my parents as an infant. All of my relationships have lasted only 2 years.. I only recently made the connection with my therapist that that is when my dad left.. I was two. I make videos about my somatic therapy sessions and will be discussing that further pretty soon so anyone interested can check me out at http://www.authentista.com

    I’ll be sharing my starseed awakening/contact story soon as well…… I’m terrified to ‘come out of the closet’ with it. But the world needs to hear these things. Now.

    I love what you are doing and I live in Canada but will catch one of your workshops somewhere someday. Oh, I also love you are an INFJ. I’m an INFP <3

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  • Laura Loterszpil

    I love this post!!!! Of curse we are interdependent on everything!!!!!! I love cooking for others, and getting gifts from people
    I grew up in Argentina, I ve always had a best friend, and being around people that I enjoyed was the peak of my day. I didnt grew up in a “stable home” at all, so I had to find out ways to find “external” happiness outside the home. So I completely agree with you Teal, the “New age believe that is allk about “Internal” “within”, “inner” and so is as true as “external”, “others” “depending” etc.
    Which leads to the idea that is okay to “ask” for what we need, take it in and don’t have to feel we “owe” to the person because they gave us what we “needed”.
    Have fun in London sweet Teal!!!!
    Love you
    Laura

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  • I love hearing that smile in your words. Thank you for this and God bless!

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  • Teal, i have found a blog post that i believe may help your perspective a bit..
    It’s by a someone who is an humanitarian, entrepreneur, author, and alleged cult leader, Ilchi Lee.
    So i hope you take the time to read his blog post below and try some other research about him and his work at
    http://www.ilchi.com/

    To Change, Step Beyond Emotion

    Depending on our thoughts, emotions, and current circumstances, our view of life and the world changes easily. But we aren’t always aware of the influences that affect our world view or choices. Often, we live looking through a mental-emotional frame or filter created by our past experiences, hopes, expectations, and beliefs without even being aware of it. Sometimes we get flashes of awareness, especially when we have to face conflict or hardship, or sometimes other people point out the way we are or the conceptions we hold, and we can see ourselves more clearly.

    Our mental-emotional filter or baggage can keep us trapped. Even if we desire a change, we are carrying too much weight to alter our course easily and cannot see ourselves or our situation clearly enough to make an effective plan of action. We may get caught thinking, “That’s the way I am,” or “That’s the way things are.”

    If we drop our baggage, we recalibrate our perception and recover our innate capacity for pure observation. We bring ourselves back to zero, a pure state in which we can perceive the ultimate truth and our essential nature. When our calibration is set to zero, we reach a pure and neutral, bright, illumined state of nothingness.

    A state in which we are filled with emotion, whether positive or negative, while it may seem exhilarating like a roller coaster, is instead a sleeping state—one filled with shadow. The vague shadows of emotion make our inner eyes heavy and cover the truth. Once we step into the light, however, instead of only seeing what is just in front of us, we can perceive everything around us, above and below, to infinity.

    In this pure, neutral, enlightened state, we are free to change direction and make different choices. One of those choices is deciding the information and values by which we live. Reaching this state, what I call the zero point, is an important step in making a profound and far-reaching change. While it is not one we can maintain at all times, experiencing zero point and being able to access it as needed helps us remain conscious of our filter and become able to use our emotions and preconceptions for the purpose of our life.

    Letting ourselves descend to our center, to zero point, means reaching great enlightenment. But letting go of our emotions in order to do this can generate great fear, as if we were preparing to bungee jump off a steep, high cliff. Although our emotions are just vague shadows, it is difficult to sense the unknown light beyond them; they are comfortable, and the brightness is not.

    The moment we leap boldly in spite of fear, however, that’s when real freedom comes. We can’t jump, though, if we keep that fear. That’s why the path of enlightenment is said to be one of brilliant solitude. In that jump, we release our attachment to the shadows, to the ever changing, and descend into the steady Truth.

    To overcome our fear, we need to remember what is greater than it, what we want even more—to avoid the even greater pain and fear that comes with giving up on our growth and to embrace the feeling of deeply satisfying happiness that exists at zero point.

    The way to reach zero point in the shortest amount of time is feeling our energy. Methods such as Brain Wave Vibration, Jigam, and Dahnmu allow us do to do this. I’ve talked about feeling energy many times because it’s the most basic sense I believe one should develop for being one with our true self at zero point.

    We have to let go of whatever we hold in our hands in order to hold something new. In the same way, genuine choice and change finally become possible in a pure state that is emptied of thoughts and emotions.

    http://www.ilchi.com/tag/zero-point/

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  • Love your blog Teal. It is a major paradigm shirt, except in isolated localities. You see the cooperation in ancient cultures…. and again in modern cultures such as Iceland, or Europe countries. The model I like is the “Integral” Spiral Dynamics model developed by Prof Carl Graves and expanded by Don Beck and associates. You vision is level 8 of this model….. The US is on level 5 and the more cooperative cultures of Europe are level 6…….. ( Nice to know where we are heading tho I am unlikely to make it in this life time………. The ” intentional communities” are a good start….

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  • Are we done evolving yet?…. not even close.

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  • Subject to complicated to me but I want to understand so can have better relations from now !

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  • “from universal perspective, it caused far more damage than Hitler, Pol Pot and Stalin combined”

    Bullshit, how dare you speak for those that suffered like you’ve quoted a statistic, it’s impetuous and cruel, you don’t know what they endured. I say HALT and think about those kind of statements, they are for the spirits who went through it to do universal comparisons not YOU.

    So idiotic, from a person that knows suffering, it’s a hell of a thing to say.

    This is what pisses me off, you come out with statements as if you’re simply right

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  • Glad to see the progress on your own path. Please try to get some sleep ( I know you won’t) Blessings

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  • Thanks for your job, it is really good to read it right now.
    Love Teal!

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  • This resonates big time! Lots to work on now. lol

    Found this test online: http://testyourself.psychtests.com/testid/2859

    I (supposedly) have Avoidance of Closeness attachment style. Hmm… I think I can pinpoint where this started. :( and :)

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  • ahhh i am so excited for you to talk more about attachment too!!! i realized while doing some shadow work recently that i am extremely scared of falling in love, one of the reasons being that if i do, then i will become attached to someone! loved this post, Teal.

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  • Hello Teal,
    there is (at least) one aspect of individualism that is important to me, and it is occupies me so much, that I feel I must remind it in here: Having your own special gifts – It is the part that makes you feel valuable, important and basically equal to the other members of the society. It is to do with the essence of democracy. I feel that it must live side by side with co-dependency and oneness. It’s what makes this life realy rich and Meaningful. respectfully, Noa.

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    • Hi NOA Having special gifts can also bind one closer to every other person. Needing to stand out with one’s gifts and feel valuable can lead to healthy or sad outcomes. Like you, I am exploring opposites.

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  • Somehow this post rubs me the wrong way. Unless I believe I’m separate I would never require stimulus from anything “outside”. While it may be true I chose this incarnation to experience separation. Every person, event in “my world” would be what my “higher self” has chosen as the best way to stimulate my personal evolution. So for me, it’s always been “The measure of a minds evolution is the acceptance of the unacceptable” I see Jesus on the cross and say to myself: “You’ve got a long way to go Mike. There’s always been more to the crucifixion than you ever hear in Church.

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    • Hi Mike. Yes, I felt something was amiss too. It is the deffinition of the word ‘co-dependance’ and its negative connotations that are being explored here. You are right about the crucifixion being more than what the church has made of it. To me, Jesus set himself up, through delusions of grandeur, that he must fulfil a prophesy to establish his power. To be crucified and humiliated when his concept of God deserted him was not an example anyone should follow. St. Paul was a master of spin and put a positive on the crucifixion that makes a mockery of the force or consciousness that creates our universe. Why would this all knowing Universal Mind need to kill someone to save souls? Perhaps Jesus never died on the cross anyway.

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  • ok. i have a question and i’ll be interrogating source for this one. Where is the line between dependency and independence? in terms of balance? I get that it’s perfectly fine and healthy to form attachments to those we love but i still believe that it’s unhealthy to rely on those attachments as “crutches” or when used as a form of laziness. I get that it’s ok to ask for help and seek advise, rather than solely relying on ourselves but to do to much relying is a bad idea to me. i don’t know, maybe i’m just to damned independent minded and i still have trust issue’s with myself, much less anyone else. and i think i just solved my riddle. lmao

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  • Teal,

    You have always talked about an “interdependent” universe so this just backs up or confirms what you have been saying all along. The gap that may seem to appear could have to do with our own thoughts create our reality. Obviously this is true, our own thoughts do create our reality, but in that quest and focus we are “independently” working to make it true. We must not forget that we also need the desire to reach out to others to share, validate, and make them a part of our reality. The simple truth is that we do plant the seed of our own happiness with a “thought” but the fulfillment comes from the expression of reaching out through touch, talking, listening, and sharing our own love and happiness with the world around us. This is what unites us or “attaches” us
    in the spirit of bliss or happiness. We can not forget that we need to expose our souls to the world and the world will return the very same sentiment back to us. Thus, the universe we create for ourselves, through our own thoughts, must be expressed outward in order for our outer world to express back to us the very same sentiment – that being bliss and happiness.
    Thank you for continuing think, teach, evolve, and getting us to do the same! Best Wishes, Dave

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    • Hi Dave, As usual I agree with you. It is easy to be picky over definitions of words, which is what I enjoy doing, but Teal is on track here. There is an emotionally empoverished society resulting from the independent and competative traits that are being encouraged in children now and in the recent past.

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  • @David, all my life I´ve had great difficulty in forming emotionally nourishing relations to other people.
    My mother gave me the above described treatment when I was small. Both my parents were unable to give closeness, and either rejected me or punished me when I sought to be near them. This has crippled me emotionally and ruined my ability to bond with people. Most of my life I´ve been alone,
    and when I once in a blue moon meet somebody I feel attracted to, they also tend to reject me.
    most of the times I´ve fallen in love, it has been unrequitted. So I´d very much like to know
    how to at all establish a lasting contact with another human being. A human being who can and wants to give me some tender loving care of which I´m about to starve to death of. (I´m nearly 50 now, and I´m sick and tired of just existing, having to make do with the frugal joy of hearing a bird sing, and the like, while human friendship, and deep loving connections to people, continue to be a closed realm for me. I´m not far from hating life, and all these meatbags called human beings, who apparently only want to have anything to do with me, if they can GET something.

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    • Maria… we all struggle with the takers in the world… everyone is hungry.. (as you describe) . I can only say that many many in the world will drain you/us of life energy and those that do… need to be left or minimized in our lives… and that’s hard when it’s ourr family or friends…. I know… (Just listen to Teal describe herself and leaving the family parents and unnourishing draining relationships and entering communal living for more support) I suggest perhaps finding something you feel passionate about and becoming social with that… and begin to slowly share honestly with people who need nothing from you… its those that need from us that we when we enter into relationship with that seem to not give back the nourishment we need… so get other and various sources of nourishment by broadening and deepening friendships with those who have no need to take… only share exchange… I work on that too…. go within and ask your guides if you can hear them… free write if you can’t… and keep searching…. until you as best you can… Blessings and prayers… ~Dave

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      • Ditto. Sharing a common interest with people is a far better way of bonding to kindred spirit. A one to one relationship is more likely to occur naturally from such activity.

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  • Vimala McClure’s Infant Massage inspired me deeply in relation to touch and babies…I thought it might interest you.
    Excited to hear more! Have a great trip to London, Teal!
    peacelove
    Catherine

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  • Thank you again for your bravery!
    By insisting to be authentic, you are paving the way!
    Yes, we need each other!!! That is oneness!!!!
    Yes, we are deserving! We are love! Love needs to love another!!!!
    What fools we have been…. Lol… Trying to detach from needing!!!! This is the lie we have been living for so long!!!
    Thank you for unveiling the truth, once again!!!!!
    Brilliant

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  • Michael Ramirez

    I noted it as a child, growing up, looked into family life and now at 67 I am very clear about the creation being a state of relationship and love the embodiment of Grace, My Orb or light sphere traveling through space the vehicle we choose to use as we travel back to our docking facility to recharge before heading out again in that river of love. That child we anchored in place in 2007-2009 in Maui and over the USA. We have to give it thanks for our state even as we appreciate a helping hand from others we exchange love with. I used to have a very deep dislike fo people, teachers or article writers who claimed that crying babies aught to be left to cry and learn to sooth their feelings of needing to be attended to. I know in my view a crying child was either, Hungry, uncomfortably wet or soiled or ill and in discomfort. Perhaps that is why one child in arms not old enough to walk looked at her Hind mother, pointed at me and said, “God!” several times before her mother who kept nodding her head and saying, “No,” took her to the other end of the subway away from my influence and energies. lots of love to you. Have a lovely day. xoxo

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  • The Buddha, Jesus, Lui Tu, Confucius, Hinduism and many other have taught interdependency, inter being for thousands of years. If you strike me, do I not bleed? Do unto other as you would do unto yourself. Just observe the world around you. It’s right there. Open your eyes

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  • In the words of my teacher, recorded during a guided meditation session, “Essentially, there are two approaches to the pursuit of well-being, of happiness. One is by looking for stimulation, for arousal, for excitement, something to make us happy, whether sensorially or by conjuring up something in the mind to arouse a sense of pleasure. And the other is by cultivating the mind, cultivating inner quality of peace, calm, relaxation, clarity, and discovering through your own experience that your mind, even without being stimulated, can manifest as its own wellspring of a sense of well-being, of happiness independent of all incoming data from the senses and the activations of the mind. When the mind is balanced, the mind is healthy, a sense of well-being naturally emerges, and this becomes your baseline.”

    Yes he’s Buddhist (his name is Alan Wallace, he lives and teaches in Santa Barbara) and yes you can’t just do this second way when the mind is all over the place, and yes it takes a long time to practice until it really “becomes your baseline.” I had short periods in life when I felt it (after long practice) and I know it’s true. I also miss that feeling a lot. The difficult thing is it’s hard to be creative and do something that affects a lot of people or even simply be getting lots of attention, and still practice this second method. The Dalai Lama is one of the few people who can do that, but he had a long training and quite a head start. But it’s true that happiness can come purely from within.

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  • I believe you have just given me permission to love again.
    Thank your friends for me Teal please.

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    • Hi Ian. Teal has not given you permission to love again. Teal’s knowledge has given you the ability to permit love to flow through you. It is your consciousness that is expanding. It appears I am trouncing you but I am reminding myself that it is largely through our use of language and the thoughts it encompasses that our personal reality manifests. I am encouraging you to see that the power is with you and you are ready to understand Teal. In a simplistic way she has provided us with her insights. Each of us is responsible for what we do with it. I am not reprimanding you. We are all in this together. I am honing my consciousness through yours and other’s comments. Teal is so clear that I can rarely find anything to take her to task with or even advise something that she hasn’t already considered.

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  • I prefer to be alone mostly.. unless I’m with kindred folk and tribe..which can be difficult to source..and when I find and spend time with them its fun but I get tired out and limit the time. now dancing and communing with spirit I can do for hours days weeks..
    My Truth.

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    • Hi Star, Maybe you are never really alone. “Dancing and communing with spirit” is a unitive experience. I play in a big band. I only socialize with my section during separate rehearsals. I am on good terms with everyone but it is superficial in that I don’t know anything about their personal lives. I don’t need to. When our band is in full swing it is one of the most exhilirating and unitive experiences I ever have. The audience, usually very good dancers, are moved by this unitive sound. Everyone is enjoying themselves and yet we are individuals living mostly separate lives.

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  • What about ‘inter-dependent’? Why does it have to be either/or, one or the other? This is crazy making to our brains.

    Dualistic thinking, itself, in this case the subject of ‘dependent/independent’ is what keeps us trapped in 3D earth living.

    Duality is the basis for mind control, for oppression, unnecessary competition, divide and conquer, etc. Look it up, it’s one of the main underlying principles of Illuminati / MK Ultra mind control programming.

    Leave it! …….and get some therapy. Just having a bunch of adoring fans isn’t going to help you. It’s a crutch.

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    • Hi LP, I responded to your last comment which indicated you didn’t want to hear anything more. I agree with everything you say here accept the last sentence. “Leave it!” is a suppressive command. It is Teal’s blog and she is evolving beautifully (in my eyes at least). It is a process that many people identify with. The therapy is found in keeping a journal. Teal shares her journal and it is appreciated. That is all that matters in the moment. Having a bunch of adoring fans like a rock star could be a crutch and end in misery. Fans in this case are like minded people. It is in gathering like minded people that movements get going. Who knows what may eventuate. There are a lot of influencial people following Teal’s blogs. They have the gift of writing like you do. This is one very powerful avenue for uniting like minds and influencing the direction of society. I can only see good in this. Thanks for your enthusiasm and ability to push buttons. It’s all good.

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  • I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and it’s kind of funny. People try so hard to be “independent” and suffer for it (in all the ways you just talked about), but in reality, complete dependency IS complete independence. We are all one. You are me. I am you. Being dependent on anyone at all is just me depending, by extension, on myself. Ahhh, I just get all kinds of warm fuzzy happy feels thinking about this. It’s so empowering.

    I love you Teal, have a great trip :)

    <3

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  • Always wonderful to hear from the amazing Teal!

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  • Hi Teal,
    My goodness the universe answers perfectly. You have given me insight into what my 8 yr old grandson may be experiencing. He is having behaviour difficulties, bullying at school, not listening on and on I could go, my daughter who’s a single Mom is struggling to try to understand this behaviour. Attachments may be causing his insecurity, anxiousness, fear. I will focus in this direction and will look forward to hearing more from you too. Don’t let past events in your life cloud your beautiful life, your a beautiful spirit. Much love, enjoy England

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  • I never could get it that happiness comes from within. There are too many beautiful trees, skies, and things out there to see and experience. There are too many interesting things people say and do. Pulling these things into myself is great however had to bring them in from out there~~. There can be a lot of lonely people finding happiness only within. I can see this new awakening being true.

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    • Hi Nancy, Biological speaking it all does come from within the brain but I know what you mean. It is tedious to rationalize away what is so powerfully seeming to be out there.Song for the day “Nancy with the smiling eyes”

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      • whoops “Nancy with the laughing face” Ray Charles or Frank Sinatra. I will do a slow jazz funk version to bring it into a modern style. Maybe I will get to sing it to Teal one day.

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  • Teal.. I am confused…
    Fill our own cup…and everthings comes from our within…. those words seem to be against this posting … i think i saw the posting that you would make an ask teal episode on this sooner or later though….. I am looking forwards to it.

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  • Awesome stuff! Would love an Ask Teal episode about cellulite. Or a blog post would be great.

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  • I have struggled with this issue for a couple years now, more like 10yrs lol its an interesting topic. I was born in the US but lived most of my life in Mexico. Me and my mom moved back to San Diego in 2004 she has interesting observations lol she says everyone is so cold here! And why do teens have to move out when they are 18? And if they dont they are looked upon as losers? Why do people put their parents in senior centers or homes when they are old? That is so sad she says. This country is full of stressed and anxious people, this country’s ilness is lonelyness. I agree with her to some extent, i do think the most successfull, happy people come from a strong family base. That feeling of security that if you fail some one will be there to help you or guide you or just be there for you. But i didnt have and dont have that type of family and i am not sure why i feel as if i ask for help i will look weak. And i must overcome everything alone. Looking forward to your further insights about this :)

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  • Instead of “co-dependency,” I like the term “co-empowerment.” ;-)

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  • This has probably been stated in many ways, but why not reconfirm? :-) I too went through a phase of “seek nothing outside” as mistranslated into, “push people and pleasurable relationships away.” I have now evolved into something that feels far more balanced and is proving to change my life in the most amazing ways. That is, “resonate with the experience you feel excited to have, and then allow the relationships (people and other) to manifest and support that experience.”

    I’m amazed at how many miserable gurus there are who feel they need to separate themselves from others to stay in touch with themselves. They seem to have forgotten that we created the experience of relationships so the Universe could “reconnect” on these levels! These relationships that gurus fear are exactly what they need to further grow and find their truest expression of the divine. Yet, they keep pushing them away, and perpetuating fearful expectations that only bring them further pain. I am amazed at how the seemingly “most evolved” do this, and then often have other problematic psychological spin outs occur as a result.

    Awakening, the expansion of consciousness, has nothing to do with segregation. It is about INTEGRATION and dissolving the illusions that created fear and segregation in the first place. For those who say they have a stronger relationship with the Universe at the expense of their relationships with other sentient Beings, I question what they think a “relationship with the Universe” really is. Why? Because I was there too. I am so grateful to have awaken past it! :-D I am happy so many others are as well. ;-)

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  • This makes so much sense, and I am excited inside reading this. I have been fighting off this unexplainable need for my family and the sense of deep family in general and wondering why I cannot shake it. no matter how empowered I become, this longing is there. I have been trying to beat it out of myself to be strong, a big girl, detach at all costs, and it feels awful. More than that, not possible in some ways. Oneness wants in!! Thanks so much!!!!

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  • Hi everybody,

    You might be also interested in the approach of Hazan & Shaver (1987) who have applied attachment theory to adult romantic relationships. As far as I remember, they assess attachment styles in adults based on two dimensions; 1) feelings of self worth; 2) feelings about others; meaning wanting intimacy or not. So the two dimensions would result in 4 attachment types; 1) secure; positive self, positive other; 2) anxious; negative self, positive other, 3) avoidant; positive self, negative other 4) fearful; negative self, negative other. Referring to the independent versus interdependent self, you can read the seminal paper of Markus and Kitayama who studied different self conceptions in the East and the West, easterners are proposed to have interdependent self concepts. Some psychologists such as Kagitcibasi C. or Imamoglu O. argue that the ideal individual with high psychological well-being would be a person being both autonomous and interdependent (relationship-focused) simultaneously… Just for your information… Wish you the best!

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  • Assurance

    You will never be alone, you hear so deep
    a sound when autumn comes. Yellow
    pulls across the hills and thrums,
    or the silence after lightening before it says
    its names- and then the clouds’ wide-mouthed
    apologies. You were aimed from birth:
    you will never be alone. Rain
    will come, a gutter filled, an Amazon,
    long aisles- you never heard so deep a sound,
    moss on rock, and years. You turn your head-
    that’s what the silence meant: you’re not alone.
    The whole wide world pours down.

    by William Stafford, from Smoke’s Way, 1983

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  • I would like to believe you, but it hurts too much. This somehow destroys me. I want to be alone as much as I feel lonely and unloved. Will this ever end?

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  • Hmmmm, this feels good.

    It’s been one of those issues I’ve tried to understand, but had never came up with a satisfying answer. Dependent or Independent is the question. Which is the healthy route to pursue ? It depends on who you attach yourself to I suppose.

    Back in 2008 my wife that I had been married to for 15 years died. I felt like I was dying and was utterly confused from an emotional perspective as to why I was still alive and breathing. A little afterwards I though I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, but at the same time I let go of making hard decisions for myself and just let the flow of life flow in whatever way it would.

    I found myself quickly in a new relationship, and now have another two year old son and 3 month old daughter. I give them whatever they want, and always respond quickly when they cry. The tone of their voice when they cry tells me everything about their current state, and it’s quite rare and only beginning slightly that my son asks for too much. For example after a few minutes of him jumping up and down on my stomach I can’t take it anymore, and my tone of voice is clear that it’s over and it’s time to stop, but never is there a need to truly get angry, he understands.

    Every night his mother and I put the young ones to bed, and we don’t impose anything on them, or isolate them. We are all in one giant bed, a king size and a single put together. My partner and I, her 8 year old daughter, our two year old son, and the newborn, we all go to bed at the same time and half the time I fall asleep before my two year old.

    I never force my son to eat, he eats only what he wants, and meal time is just a suggestion. He’s only started to eat more recently at around the age of two and a half. I figure if he’s not hungry then nothing is wrong with that. I get raw milk directly from the farmers and he practically lives off of that. He’s a super healthy slightly pudgy little boy with lots of energy and full of joy. I do my best to allow him as much freedom as possible. Thankfully my partner is the same way. Most people would frown on us for the way we raise our children thinking we were completely irresponsible. But I always know with my heart what is right in every moment. The heart knows all and is always just.

    I was temporarily worried about getting attached or dependent on others again after finding myself widowed with two children. I didn’t know if I wanted to set myself up for the possibility of the pain of loss again. I realized that I was tired of making decisions based on only possibilities of a negative outcome. I knew I wouldn’t be very happy being alone. I made a list of all the things I wouldn’t put up with in a relationship that I had put up with in the previous one and said out to the universe that that would be the only scenario I would accept to be in a relationship again. I thought to myself that my list was too restrictive and that the likelihood of someone meeting my criterias was next to impossible. However the things on my list were not mind based or intellectual, they were true heart felt desires and personal knowing. How long did the universe take to find me that person ? About one week upon my return to my home town. It’s as if the universe had her waiting on standby for me to realize what it was that I truly wanted.

    When you find the right people dependency is joy.

    For pictures of my family : http://mats-blog.com/2013/11/08/dependance-or-independance/

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  • Dearest Teal

    I completely agree that this independent theory, is the exact crack in consciousness that humans, especially in the west, need desperately to restore.
    I too feel a million times better in Europe, where I live now, I teach people to meet their beliefs, embrace their conditioned minds as subject to dualistic thinking and make JOY and SELF LOVE the ultimate expression of their daily lives….I am so eternally grateful for your teachings, your words, wisdom, honesty and passion to bring us all back into the oneness, we are all a part of this collective and should come together once again…
    Please send me angels, I need them right now.
    You are a supreme soul, thank you for your work and dedication

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  • Hi Teal, I think what you are saying is that our present psychology and its current use of the term ‘co-dependence’ is degrading social cohesian by promoting extreme independence as a healthy opposite, which it is not. When we see the healthy side of being dependent and find another word for describing addictive and destructive relationships, our true nature of interdependence will be encouraged.
    “Judge not that ye be not judged” has been used to admonish spontaneous outbursts of feelingful opinions. In truth this statement is just a neutral fact. When we hold a judgement in our consciousness it effects us, good or bad, as if the voice is coming from outside. It also reveals to the world what we believe and consequently opens us to judgement, good or bad.

    In the same way ‘co-dependence’ is just a fact. It could describe both good and bad dependence, but it is used in a derogatory way.

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  • Don’t stress yourself, you don’T HAVE TO DO THE ASK TEAL VIDEOS!!! Your well-being comes first.

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  • Hi Teal, I would love to see you interviewing some famous person like Wayne Dwyer. Wayne has gone through a huge change recently regarding the healing of his cancer. He is bound to have some new insights. He hasn’t talked much about OBEs.

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  • here is a short clip about stages of dependency/independence in the sexual landscape (starts after the 2 minute intro). according to deida’s way of looking at it, there can’t really be a love filled “co-dependency” as you call it until the first stages of dependency and independence are experienced. but at any stage it is always a personal choice and a very personal relationship to love and the partner and the divine. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IZrkMZyEWY&list=PLC23CAC03EC91EE78

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  • True but… the circumstances that seem to be the cause of the ever changing inner kaleidoscope of feelings are the outer and tangible manifestation of that same kaleidoscope. Is one the cause of the other? Does the inner create happiness or does the outer create happiness? Both are true and both are false. They arise together. The only thing that remains consistent is the light that shines through. It neither rises nor sets, neither changes nor stays the same. It has no origin, but it originates the contrast between “happiness comes from independence” and “happiness comes from interdependence”. Those two experiences hold each other in balance and one is not more true than the other. Everything arises in pairs. “Complete crap” only exists by the grace of its opposite also being true.

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  • You are the first spiritual teacher I have come across in the past 27 years that I can actually read your material and not fly into a hate filled rage. A book called: A Course In Miracles has basically destroyed my life. In it are many quotes that tell us “we have no needs.” “Sex is an illusion and the ego’s way of meeting the ego’s needs through the body.” “We have no need of special relationships with others.” This is just a few of the destructive teachings that allegedly came from Jesus. The Unity Church is another guilt producing organization teaching that we have to love ourselves first before we can expect someone else to love us. I have been in psychiatric hospitals committed in most cases a total of 13 times since 1982 due to my own self hate and resentment of others who told me I should not look to others for love or help, but do it all on my own. I hate the following teachers to their very core:; Ken Wapnick, Neale Walsch, Wayne Dyer, Gary Craig, Maryann Williamson, and many, many others. All of the teachings from these teachers have left me filled with hate and resentment towards them and myself.

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  • Words cannot describe the harmony and oneness that you bring to my soul. You are by far the most impressive woman I have laid eyes on in my 31yrs of existence! ! Please let me know when you come to Los Angeles, CA im sure there is a web-inspired grid of people out here that feel the same way I do, as I will do everything in my will to support OUR universal truth** Love Loves ;-)

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  • As a senior woman, I know what it is like to feel invisable, I have been taught to be indpendent, I have been, @ great cost. Thank You, Teal for helping me understand these issues…

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